The Pieces Of My Mind

Fade away

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 03:30:01 -0400

Can I just fade away into a distant dream. A place with no sadness and no fear. No betrayal, no loss, no pain. What a good day that would be, but as for me I’ll stay here. I’ll fall asleep trying to pray it all away.

Screw it!

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 03:24:18 -0400

I just had a very horrible day, so what did I do? I went onto Facebook to cheer my self up. You know to talk to friends and such. And do you know the first thing I saw when I logged on?
” I’m deleting you, do you want to stop me” - random guy I know

Seriously? Seriously? Piss off world! Piss off!

Me?

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 01:35:00 -0400

What do I find in myself when I really look at myself? What do I see at my core? When I look deep inside I see an overwhelm darkness lurking around. It trys to find any crack to seep out. When it does find a crack it rushes through widdening the crack more and more. Suddenly bursting through. Ever now and again the hole is repatched up, but every time the inside becomes weaker and weaker and soon there are only patche left.

When I try to explain how I really feel to people it doesn’t come out right. When I look at myself I see something I don’t understand nor like. And I don’t know how to get to a place where I will actually like what I see. I always feel hurt inside.

I took an AP Psychology class and we learned about Psychological probelms…. Made me feel like something was wrong with me….. I feel like if I took my “mask” off people would see this horrible side of me that is filled with rage and aggression and sorrow. A side of me that has no empathy… Is part of me Antisocial (Sicopath)? It’s a question that lurks inside my head. But I don’t want to go into that… I ….. I think I might be Depressed.

And with all of this I just close up inside and just sit still. I have dreams of an endless fall, people shooting at me, being consumed with rage and destroying everything I see.

Then I think about God. Why do I feel like this with him with me? Is something wrong with me? I know he loves me. I know he is always there. I’m thankful for what I have I really am. Yet all that I seem to think about is the negitives of life. I pray, and I read the bible, I talk with God, I feel like I am close to him, yet I continue to feel this way. What am I supposed to do?

Should I try to take an antidepressant? Or should I continue to try to fight it on my own?

I’m not saying I don’t have “happy” days or that I always “hate life” It’s just a majority of how I feel if I really actually think about me. I’ve gotten so used to wearing the “mask” that I don’t know how to deal with my problems I keep inside.

I feel like I have no person to go to. I don’t have any really close friends…. I thought I did….but I really don’t. My friends are situated with jobs or boyfriends/girlfriends. I feel like I give, give, give, but they don’t… I’m always the one to consoul others…. But no one helps me….. They listen but don’t say anything….. but at the same time i would still be hopless if someone tried to help, beacuse i feel like i’ve tried everything. I’ve tried everything i can think of besides drugs…. I ….. I don’t want to take drugs. I feel like…. I don’t know….. I just don’t want to have to rely on a drug to make me happy.

For now I pray. I really need to get this out, but sometimes I wonder if anyone hears me…. Or if anyone cares….. But that’s me I guess…. From the outside I look like life is good and amazing. Great family, going to be going to a good college, taking college classes in high school, straight A’s, Goes to church, reads her bible, prays a lot. But on the inside….. Cries a lot, can’t fall asleep, losing intrest in the things she’s always enjoyed, less motivated in class, doesn’t understand her own feelings, feels like there is no one to rely on, lost in life, feels used, feels betray, feels hurt, feels alone…..

Me? I wish not!

Is it weird that...

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 00:21:03 -0400

I sometimes see myself as a guy in dreams?

I sometimes see myself as a guy when I talk to others?

I catch myself wishing I was a guy a lot?

Gravity

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 13:09:28 -0400

Gravity simple right? We all know what the word means, but have you ever tried to create gravity on a computer. I’m designing a game and well gravity is a “@%&#!”, seriously lol.

God can and will help you with stress!

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 13:07:15 -0400

I read this when I’m stressed. Which I was last night and have been almost everyday. God is helping me through it and I thank him. God is always there for you, call for him and he will be there.

A psalm of David.

¹ The LORD is my shepherd.
   I lack nothing.
² He lets me rest in grassy meadows;
   he leads me to restful waters;
    ³ he keeps me ^[a] alive.
He guides me in proper paths
   for the sake of his good name.

⁴ Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
   I fear no danger
   because you are with me.
Your rod and your staff—
   they protect me.

⁵ You set a table for me
   right in front of my enemies.
You bathe my head in oil;
   my cup is so full it spills over!
⁶ Yes, goodness and faithful love
   will pursue me all the days of my life,
   and I will live^[b] in the LORD’s house
   as long as I live.

Senioritis

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 12:44:22 -0400

I never really knew what senioritis was….. now i do. Why can’t school just be over already?! I want to be graduated!

The Depths of Sheol

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 22:14:16 -0400

I fall down to the grounds of a dead wood,

Staring up at a tormented sky.

What are these tears sliding down my face?

Are they drops of rain or fragments of my heart?

I see him standing at the top of a hill,

A smirk on his face as he watches me burn.

The forest no longer able to take the heat of the sun,

Catches my heart on fire and drags me to Sheol.

Photo

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 03:43:06 -0400

9 Months

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 01:23:01 -0400

I know technically it’s “not that long”…. but I really feel alone. I wish I had someone who I could just hug forever and it wouldn’t be awkward. Sigh. But who likes the tomboy with a ponytail and no makeup. That’s the way I am, but I know my odds….

My one and only sister.

Sun, 14 Aug 2011 17:34:00 -0400

One of the many “lovely” things my sister likes to say to me:

“Your like one of those weird people that nobody likes.”

Thanks sis…. That’s so uplifting…..

Wounded

Mon, 06 Jun 2011 11:40:10 -0400

I am Running and Hiding and crying.

My heart is dying, bleeding, screaming.

I hurt so much that I can’t think

I cry so much I can’t see

My ears hurt and feel as if they are bleeding.

Why?

My closest friend. My friend who is a sister. The closest one to me has hurt me soo much. No longer do I stand up above the waves. They crash down and tear me on the rocks of lies, hurt, betrayal. I am alone again in the empty sea. No longer do I see the sun for the clouds have covered it and they rain tears of blood. No longer is the sky still; the wind screams at me.

All trust in myself is destroyed for i can not help even my closest friend nor am I helpful or trustworth for my closest friend could not talk to me about these things. Her promsie to me broken.

It was so hard for me when she told me she had been lying to me. Not only did I hurt for myself, but for her. My heart is broken, shattered into tiny pieces that won’t go back together. No matter how hard i try my help doesn’t do anything; all i do is hurt people. every time i try, i fail.

i dont understand why this has happened. i’ve shared all that i am to her. no secret have i kept from her ive shared my happines, my pain, my life, and my trust.

Of all things i have shared my trust the hardest thing in the world for me to share. She knows of my past and my difficulty with trust. i trusted her full heartedly as my friend and sister in God. and yet she threw it away like it was nothing…. I’m so hurt. I feel alone and scared.

The only friend I have has destroyed all that i have. All things are crashing down over my head. I wish i could just disapear.

I want to fall asleep and never wake up.

If someone shot me right now I’d probably thank them.

But I will fight on, I promise that to myself and God. I will not fall completly into darkness. I wont let myself do that again. I will continue to pray and have hope in God.

But i hurt so much right now and I have no one to turn to. I have no one to talk to ,or hug, or just be with. The friend who hurt me was the one I always talked to when I felt down.

I’m alone in a dark wood with a tiny candle that is about to die out. I’m lost and alone and afraid.

Tape Babies for Sculpture class

Wed, 11 May 2011 00:49:52 -0400

Tape Babies for Sculpture class

“One Man Disney Movie” Nick Pitera Disney Medley...

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 15:12:43 -0400

“One Man Disney Movie” Nick Pitera Disney Medley Music Video (by goonieman86

)

Me singing with auto tune

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 18:30:20 -0400

Me singing with auto tune

Politics…..

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 20:56:38 -0500

Politics…..

This is my little drawing….. What should I call him?

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 02:42:04 -0500

This is my little drawing….. What should I call him?

Photo

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 00:04:01 -0500

branchesofmymind: laurendeleon: Just watch it, it’s so...

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 23:39:08 -0500

branchesofmymind:

laurendeleon:

Just watch it, it’s so true

this is to the church people.

when creating text posts, there's a little icon next to the "HTML" button on the right which puts a breaking point between two paragraphs. people can click on it if they choose to "read more" of a long post.

Sat, 12 Feb 2011 02:55:30 -0500

Thanks, I never knew.